 |
|
busy busy busy :) but i feel great for it
looking at gym stuff the membership at Fernwood is over didnt get anything out of it and have had more sucsess on my own in the past 2 weeks since it ended i went from 91 to 86 :) still at 86 since last week but have had alot of stuff going on.
was looking at joining at Splashdown near my mums doesnt look to bad it has everything i need and i can even go swimming if i want which would be nice. doesnt cost alot and i called about their creche and its alot better then fernwood. for 3 months it costs $275 for the main membership and for the creche its $1.40 for 30mins and $2.80 per hour members can call in a week before but can infact call up to the day before as well which is good :) and they are open every day earliest is 6am latest 9pm which is also good.
also looked at a loan and applied for one through ANZ today will be interesting to see if i get it.
its a Fixed personal loan.
Rate - 12.74%pa
Payment Frequency - Fortnightly
Term - 5 years
Loan Amount - $6,000
Repayment Amount - $62.30
with a one off loan establisment fee of $125
and quarterly administation fee of $25
looked at Dance studio's in Geelong as well and found one i thought would be great pole dancing and stuff but when i called the phone had been disconected so will see what i can find. my friend Jan said she could teach me so that could be fun.
was talking to a friend and he was telling me i should apply for where he just started seems he works at UCMS same place as toni. i know toni didnt put forward my resume so i applied myself this afternoon. if i get it i will get 4 weeks paid training at $18+ a week which works out as about $90 a day since training is from 9 till 5 and then the work itself is from 12 till 8 so will see what happens. also applied at ColesMyer and looked at houses again and sent emails through so will see what happens there as well alot of the houses are in Footscray and one in Yarraville which will be interesting to see what happens.
was talking in IRC tonight and then at spur at the moment decided that i was going to try and get to Confessional. messaged my wenchling and she might be going with Darren so called Claire and she is going to babysit Jonathan for me on Saturday so i can go. not sure if Sir is going and if he isnt will see about going and staying with Darren and jen. will see what happens in the next week. Claire is only asking for $40 for the night and i told her i would look at leaving here at 4 and would try to be home by 3 if i was with Sir. so she agree'd will see how many others are going so it should be a good night.
Jonathan is driving me nuts as usual though he is asleep now thankfully and i'm starting to get a headache so i will go to bed and read for awhile.
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
|
|
i have been thinking the past few days that i really suck.
i seem to of screwed up Sir's life without knowing i was doing anything.
argued with toni the other day about new year and he thinks i was acting. i know i wasnt. toi knows i wasnt, Sir knows i wasnt at least i hope he knows i wasnt. toni said some really hurtfull things and i wouldnt supprise me if Sir decided that i wasnt worth it. and at the moment if he told me to leave i would just give up and leave without question. the whole thing is just depressing.
dont think i make a very good submissive/slave either anymore cant seem to do anything right cant make Sir happy he has been stressed and had things on his mind and i seem to make it worse feel like i should just leave him alone untill he comes to me if he decides to want that. not hard to say that for the month i havent felt like i was owned and Sir admits to backing away because he was pissed off with me over what happened at new year and for what happened on the 8th which turned out to be a massive miscommunication and i wish i hadnt gone would of stoped Sir resenting me. maybe it would just be best for me to disapear for awhile. let him sort himself out i dont want to do it but if it helps him then i guess it would be worth it. i dont want to be without him though you hear people talk about people that make them feel whole. Sir makes me feel that way. that when i am with him i can do anything and succseed. while he was away i felt so empty then as the month was ending i picked up alot and got happier because i knew he would be home soon and that i would see him. it felt so good to see him and be at his feet again but i could still feel him holding back i wish he didnt feel he had to. have been wondering if Sir will ever decide to see me again. he says that he cares for me yet before he went away even on new year he was telling me how much he loved me and even toi told me that he had said he was in love with me to her. seems that i am easy to fall in love with like he said i was when we started but seems it is even easier to fall out of love with me. maybe thats just how it is meant to be maybe i'm not supposed to be with anyone anyway going for a cold shower and will clean the bathroom and toilet while i'm in there have to make myself usefull sometimes i so wish i didnt have Jonathan at least then my house would stay clean he doesnt care that i spend ages cleaning it up he watches me do it and then instead of playing with his toys he has to get and pull apart all of mine and trash rooms. its driving me insane should ask the respite people if i could organise with someone to take him for a week or two just to give me a good break so i could give the house a good clean and have a break from him yes i would miss him but i need some time else i will go insane specially lately i believe and trust Sir when he says things will be ok just feel uncomfortable as if i was standing on the edge of a cliff an the ground was slowly breaking away and i dont know what to do to fix it. should go might even get the kitchen done tonight as well will work off my list and cross things off as i go that way i know what i'm doing as so often i have no idea what i am doing. then will go through some lesson things from the slave training book i have to occupy my mind. i need to go through it again will get ink for my printer next week and print everything up and put it in my folder. should also email Natalya or Master Peter and see if i can get my training file from while i was with them sent to me. going to work now.
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
|
|
cleaning out my files found this Essay that Master Peter had me write while i was doing my training with him. i'm not sure if it is on the slave_takia journal i havent looked at it since the month finished so will paste it here so i have a copy and can clear the space.
After reading my original essay on this topic I cant say that I would change a thing about it. However I can say that lately I have learned a great few lessons. All very practical and ones that I will incorporate into my future life. The main one being the first law which is a list of priorities.
1. Health
2. Family
3. Work/study
4. Master
I think this is a great list but I am still getting used to it. When I originally wrote the essay I hadn’t actually felt what it was like to really be a slave. But I’m learning and with this first law when I get used to using it will be of great value to everyone who walks down this path be they Gorean or not.
I also learned that slavery is not about control or letting go. It is about the slave giving the whole girl. Everything she is, was and can be to her Master/Mistress. And because everyone has unknown depths to themselves it is so far impossible to say exactly what the whole girl is. Because people never stop learning. We will learn till we die and hopefully learn beyond death.
slaves don’t have to prove anything. Though I’m sure there are competitions among them as to who is the best. But I cant see myself doing that. Being a slave isn’t a joke to me it isn’t a competition it is about serving your Master/Mistress to the best of your ability. Yes you can have fun and games with other girls but in my opinion some take it to far. I might be to serious and not laugh and carry on but that is because I am trying to learn and pay attention to what is going on around me. I have nothing to prove to anyone. I can only be me and that is the best that I can offer.
Respect these days is hard to find among most people. As I grew up I made sure that I respected my elders and if there was something I didn’t like I usually kept it to myself. Even now there are people I cant stand that I have to be around. I keep my head down and do my work. Though I listen to what is being said I don’t say anything until I have to. I have always been to endorse the “don’t speak until spoken to” and “if you have nothing nice to say don’t say anything at all” it works for me. Though when I do say something I do it for a reason. I have been told on many occasions to be careful what I say because the truth hurts and sometimes I upset people. But I am not like most of the people from my generation and those before or after who have to insert foul language and actions into my every sentence just to get across that they are better then I am. It is pathetic and not something I respect and cannot even pretend to.
I am not one of the best looking girls out there. I need to shed 20kg and then I will be happy and healthier. Weight and looks carry a lot of weight in the Gorean and BDSM communities. It shouldn’t but most Masters want their slaves to look the best. Sure that can be a good thing and I would love it if someone took such interest with me earlier in my life but at least I have people that care about me now. People say that beauty is on the inside. I can find truth to this. But also people who are overweight and not so pretty are used to spending their time alone and become placid and nice spending most of their time in the library and watching TV. So of course the ones left alone from the bullies are going to be the nicest, most caring and most well behaved people you know.
I don’t currently know if I can finish this essay. The day’s events have screwed me over. But I guess I have to.
The next section of the essay was on openness it is something that everyone should be.
slavery is not about denying yourself . . .
. . . slavery is about being open.
all a slave can do is be open with her Master if there is something bothering her she will tell Him if He does something she does not like she can tell Him but as always it is His decision to continue or not. the Master slave relationship is one of the most open she has known if He is not pleased with her He will simply say He is not pleased and take action to that effect unlike other men who look at her and walk off to do something in another room or ignore her without telling her that she has done wrong. at least with Master He tells her she has done wrong though He does not have to tell her what she has done wrong but will make her figure it out for herself.
slavery is about being committed.
this girl would not of chosen this lifestyle if she was not commited to see it through. she is not a person that when things start to get tough that she will throw in the towel she might think it from time to time but she reminds herself that it was her choice and her wish that she be where she is now there is no giving up there is only going forward. beggining is always the hard part in everything but after everything settles down and a pattern emerges then it starts getting easier as you know what is expected you know how Master likes things and when He likes things He may be one who likes some hot coffee waiting for Him when He wakes up before going off to work the first thing is to work around Him know when He wakes up so everything is ready for Him clothes for the day layed out for Him and knowing how He takes His coffee how much sugar He likes and how much milk etc the smallest things must be thought of while Master is in the shower make His bed for Him and prepare His breakfast for when He is done while He is eating breakfast put the laundry in to be washed small things to learn that will make a big difference.
slavery is about obedience.
following Masters orders precisely will also please Him. a disobediant slave is not a pleasing one a slave cannot refuse an order unless a valid reason is given and even then it may not be good enough and it will be noted she will still have to do what she was trying to get out of and will fear the punishment of being disobediant.
slavery is about trust.
another thing that makes the world go around trust is what is needed in every relationship a Master slave relationship most of all the girl has to trust completely in her Masters decisions no matter what the outcome. she must trust that her master would not hurt her without a good reason to. Master has to trust that His slave has told Him the truth in all things and has not kept the slightest detail that could present a problem.
if there is no trust how can there be a relationship.
slavery is not about sex . . .
. . . slavery is about love.
a slave loves her Master no matter what He does to her. she loves Him because He has freed her of herself and allowed her to be who she truly is a slave His slave. because of her love for Him it only drives her harder to keep Him pleased to never be boring in His eyes.
her love for Him will get her through any pain that may fall upon her because as long as she has Him in her life there is nothing else she wants more then Him.
slavery is not about pleasure . . .
. . . slavery is about happiness.
pleasure and happiness go hand in hand.
if her Master is pleased with her then she is most happy. if her Master is not pleased with her then she wont be happy untill He is happy with her again and will do whatever it takes to make Him pleased with her.
all she wants is for Master to be happy because she is happy for the fact she has been given this chance to show Him how devoted to Him she really is. to show Him that His happiness is hers and if He is not happy then she is not.
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
|
|
cant sleep so came to write down my thoughts so perhaps i can get some sleep.
i dont feel too good. physically fine if only alittle tired which is no fault of my own it has simply just been a bad month.
started badly on new years as i already wrote about. and since then i have seen Sir once. and hardly spoken with him. i know it cant be helped since he has to work but it doesnt really help knowing that.
to put it simply i dont know what i am to Sir i dont know where i fit in. i dont doubt it when he says he loves me and that for him to hurt me is to hurt himself i think most of the time he doesnt know that he is doing it. either that or he is playing mind games to test my reactions.
sometimes he drives me insane and i think he sometimes forgets what he says when he is for no other terms i can think of at the moment fucking me. telling me that i have no rights and no say in what happens even to the point of him bringing in someone else the latest statement was that he should get a switch to dominate me and be submissive to him. i really cant stand it when he does that because later he seems to forget it and tells me that i do have a say in what happens. so i dont mention it i dont mention a few things i know i should but there never seems to be time to sit and talk about things because there is always someone around or we have to go out or Sir is too tired so we go to bed and quickly fall asleep. i dont want to bother him. doesnt help when i have trouble voicing things its so much easier writting my thoughts and fears the words come out easyier.
i know that i love Sir.
to start with i held back wanted to see what would happen if i could control myself i think i am better for it since i let it happen slowly. compared to this it is easy to see that it was mere infatuation and my submissivenes and wanting to please the others in my life. by controling myself i stoped the usual headlong rush into acccepting collar and ownership and specially love i'm glad i did still the months are still young and i hope that once this month is over that my dark thoughts will go and hide and leave me alone.
my friend Charles (Vy) tonight told me that he "dont get a good feeling after so much time and you are not still His" i didnt know what to say other then Sir says i am his and it is only important for us to know the state of our relationship. everyone keeps asking "so will you move in with Sir" and are shocked when i say no and then i have to explain to them that it is his decision to make when he is ready. it is the same with the collar. they dont understand, i think i understand sometimes yet there are times that i wish i were collared specially when Sir takes me to Abode i really dont feel safe there when he leaves me alone. i dont think he means it but i go to be with him not to sit by myself in the corner to be accosted by strangers. when i told Sir what happened that first night that we had gone out and were on the way home and he told me to tell him such things. i dont know what he could of done after the fact and he was having so much fun and i didnt want to spoil it. i was gratefull for John that night since i was able to sit and talk to someone i knew while Sir had fun. and on New Year i was gratefull for Geo and toi being there when i got worried when Sir had disapeared and that i had seen him looking very unwell after somthing toni gave him.
and as i have previously written i dont like toni too much anymore i am too worried about Sir and the path toni seems to be pulling him down. it isnt hard to see that toni is jealous of me. and i have been suspecting for awhile now that he has been trying to keep Sir away from me as much as possible without trying to raise to much suspission from Sir. i really did like toni to start with and i do think he is a good friend to Sir but he needs to grow up and get a life of his own and to stop using Sir to pay for his expensive taste in harmfull chemicals and everything else.
i think for now that is enough i am almost asleep hopefully i get there this time. i just miss Sir and wish i could climb into bed with him and curl up against his back as he seems to like and fall asleep. when all this is over i would try to keep Sir in bed for a few weeks so he can sleep and feel better once it is all over.
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
|
| 2007-01-18 22:26 |
| (no subject) |
| Public |
 Invisible |
| Vittorio Grigolo - You Are My Miracle |
|
i am still here
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
|
|
allow me to vent somewhere where my friends wont see.
night was mostly fun untill i was cramped in the corner of a car surrounded by people i didnt know while Sir seemed very far away which triggered a panic attack and i had to get out of the corset fast ended up taking a valium which is probably why i am ok at the moment and the night for me dropped from there. out of everyone that was there toi understands what happened to me the most because we had a small chat about it while waiting for toni, least i have someone i can chat too. then i was worried about Sir because he didnt look or feel good and i really want to kill toni for whatever he gave Sir and strangle Sir for using whatever toni gave him. was lost and found and Sir brought me home and stayed for alittle while apparently least until i fell asleep and then took off again once again leaving me alone just without me knowing i was alone till i woke up looking for him and find a note instead saying he couldnt sleep so ended up leaving again. considering what Sir took before we left the club ofcourse he couldnt sleep and yes i felt guilty about him leaving his friends on new years because he wont get to see much of them for the next month, but then nither would i and i would of prefered that we spent what time we had together, together. now i just feel utterly crappy.
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
* i understand that full submission covers all areas related to my body, speech and mind
* i waive my right to privacy in any area subject to the terms and conditions set forth in this contract.
* i will wholeheartedly and to the best of my ability seek my Master's comfort, pleasure and well being, above all other considerations other then those of my child.
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
|
| 2006-11-29 17:15 |
| (no subject) |
| Public |
 accomplished |
| - SDR: insert show name here. |
|
so far today i have
gone out for lunch and an hour and a halfs walk around town and picked up a few things.
cleaned the lounge room wall and air con unit.
shifted the desk and tidies the cords.
moved the pink couch out of the lounge room.
emailed Carlie and Kerry if they know anyone that needs a couch or two.
still have to..
pick up all the new rubbish i found from moving things around.
move the black couch back over to the other wall.
hook up the air con to the other window.
find places for everything.
vacume the floor.
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
|
|
Gym was ok sept my feet got all tingly and i was almost falling over so had to stop and went straight to my mums afterwards still managed a good workout though will post what i did tomorrow...
had some party pies at 4:15 while i was on hold to Centerlink about the $500 advance and after the guy stuffed up alot he finally got it so should be there tomorrow or Thursday which will be good.
was so tempted to go to Sir if i had the money pack him up in the car and drive him here praying that i dont hurt his car or worse or just to go to him would of been nice i hate him being sick and me not being there to take care of him.
had dinner of some more pies and some rice and vegies my mum cooked up before coming home around 9ish. been chatting ever since practically. made a new friend who seems nice. he is new but nice enough at the moment always fun to meet new people he is 37 and lives in Melbourne so we might see him out and about one day. one can never have to many friends... as long as one talks to them all....
anyways bed time because my stomach is cramping badly on me and i really need to get to bed so my ass can be kicked by Judy the trainer tomorrow. night night..
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
|
| 2006-11-28 13:02 |
| (no subject) |
| Public |
| - SDR: lilcougar's variety |
|
missed the 1:04 bus to get me to gym well i havent yet but Jonathan is still asleep and there is no way i will get to the bus stop in time luckily there is a bus at 1:30 and i wasnt booked in till 1:30 so i wont be very late only about 15mins late for the child care thingy i hate how you have to book a week in advance and cant just turn up when you want to. will go for a nice run today i think after my warm up on the bikes and then jump on the steping machine thingy
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
am having some musili for a late breakfast. have been in bed reading until Jonathan pushed me out. played alittle warcraft to tell mum i would be over after gym, talked to toi i'm really liking her she is fun. also talking to my friend nay and Zanthia. and in chat room sdr-radio and submission on IRC while listening to SDR Radio. stilgar is the DJ at the moment so listening to German songs.... since he is in Germany its interesting no idea what they are saying but it sounds nice :)
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
|
| 2006-11-28 01:34 |
| (no subject) |
| Public |
| tired |
| - SDR: insert show name here. |
|
dishes done, have gym tomorrow afternoon going to mums in the morning wishing that i would be with Sir to take care of him am off to bed before i fall asleep here
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
|
| 2006-11-27 21:00 |
| (no subject) |
| Public |
| - SDR: insert show name here. |
|
had some yummy chicken sausages for dinner again. and have been playing Warcraft with mum and some other people i just had enough so logged off and having some fun in a chat room with my friend Nick he is being evil and tickling me. Jonathan is still up and going to bed soon and i might have a nice shower once i have put him down :)still listening to the radio station and watching tv
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
|
| 2006-11-27 13:38 |
| (no subject) |
| Public |
 anxious |
| - SDR: Sundays with Rhage |
|
am going to write in this as a normal journal makes it easier also have it set to Private so only you can see.
just had 2 meetings.
first one was with Sally an early parenting person to help me with Jonathan's difficult phases today was the first day of this new program thing turns out she was one of my nurses at hospital and remembered me. she gave me lots of sorbolene cream for Jonathan because his exma has gotten really bad and has spread again. but it was a good meeting and apparently i am doing everything right i see her again on the 8th of January at 10:30. by that time she wants me to of looked into child care and booked Jonathan into the place around the corner if there is space at least for 1 day a week which would be nice.
second one was Brenda and i know she means well but some of the things she was saying were annoying the hell out of me wasnt anything bad just telling me to be carefull but she likes Sir and "didnt get any bad vibes from him" just mainly telling me to be carefull for Jonathan's sake in case things dont work out. she doesnt like it that i let people dominate my life and take charge. she doesnt understand ofcourse and i'm not going to tell her today i was given a lecture that i need to keep some independance and that i shouldnt let Sir take control... if only she knew how much control Sir had... she would most likely be hospitalised with a heart attack. but as always she praised me with how well i am doing she doesnt want me to become isolated which appaernently i am doing since i havent been going to Newpin or the young mums group because quite frankly i cant stand the women there and the only reason i was going was so Jonathan could play with other kids. but now with me focusing on gym because it is somewhere i want to be and something i want to do and Jonathan does get to play with other kids i am feeling better.
Last night was the first night we used the evil invention of ice. DAMN it was cold but i is a good girl and did what i was told and had yummy thoughts of how nice it would be that after the ice melted inside me to have Sir cum inside me that was an interesting thought.... almost as interesting as the thought i had the other day of having something vibrating in my ass as Sir was in my pussy or vise versa i do have nice thoughts sometimes...
Jonathan is finally down for a nap i put him down around 11:30 but he was to busy chattering... still havent found the vibrator but by the time i got out of bed and we had breakfast my first meeting showed up and not even 5 mins after that the second one turned up and scared the crap out of me because i wasnt expecting it and i was on the phone at the time to my sister. and she has only just left so he went to sleep YAY some free time.
i really want to know what is going on. my body is telling me that i am pregnant and i am sure that after taking those tablets it would of triggered a period if they had worked but nothing is happening and when i talked to brenda today and after i said that she thinks i might be right but is telling me not to worry untill the test is done. and work it out from there. the weekend is too far away.
current weight - 87.3kg
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
thought i would upload these messages and things from the world groups group because it is so annoying to get into. though it will take me awhile.
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
pissed off and tired